Life · Uncategorized

Broken Hearts

Now as a twenty something I’ve been in love so many times. I fall in love with guys I see in cars, guys who have dogs, guys who pass me my McDonalds in the drive thru, but that’s not a heart break love. In my twenty two years I’ve had two major heartbreaks in my life. The first when my grandfather died and the second when the boy I love left me.

Now broken hearts are no fun. I thought I’d do a post about how I went from pretty much verge of suicide to the strong woman I am today.

4/2/17 that’s the date my world changed forever. Now I know we had problems months previous to this date, but that’s the date my heart broke. That’s the date my world stopped. That’s the day I felt the air leave my lungs. I was on a 14 hour shift when I got the phone call. My palms were sweating, my voice was shakey as I said the words “is this it? Are we over?” To which he replies “yeah.” The room starts spinning, my voice breaks as a sob escapes, “you promised you’d never hurt me, you promised you’d never leave me.” He was silent. I was sobbing my heart out. We said our goodbyes and I hang my head and make my way back into my work. My co workers rush to me, I’m in pieces. My whole world was gone. He messaged me “sorry.” I call my mum and she and my stepfather rush to me, they hug me and tell me I’ll be okay. Lies I thought. Bunch of lies.

Now a back story to me, I’ve suffered from depression since I was 12, i have good days/weeks and bad days/weeks. I was currently in a bad week, where I was made to believe, I’m nothing, I’m unworthy of happiness and I’m not wanted..and I told my ex that I was feeling this way and that I was suicdal again, infact i told him that morning, I told him I was back to cutting myself. Surely if you tell someone you’re suicidal, you don’t break their heart a few hours later? Well apparantly this guy did.

So, back to my story. I get home that night. My mum tucks me in, I break down to her, I tell her I’m not well mentally, I tell her I’m still cutting, she thought I stopped when I was 15. I tell her my hearts broken and I don’t feel anything, I don’t want to be here anymore. I tell her how I’m pain to everyone and I’ll be better off away from you all. That’s the first time I seen my mum cry. It broke my heart more, but it made me think. I’m not causing pain to my mother, I’m gonna get better.

The first couple of days after my break up, I stayed in bed, I cried, I didn’t eat, I watched love storys, I deleted all the photos of us on social media. His face was like a dagger to my heart, his perfect hair, beautiful eyes, just caused me pain. I deleted the panda emoji next to his name in my phone. I still can’t look at pandas the same, we had a little inside joke where we’d call each other panda and tag each other in panda videos. I ignored the outside world. I wanted to be alone. Messages kept coming to me. “Ant went out with emma and jade the day after you broke up!” “Look at these pictures of them” my heart physically hurt. If he can go out, so can I. My hurt started turning to anger. I joined tinder and pof. I was determined to be fucking someone before the day was over. I did. The first time you sleep with someone new is weird, like you don’t hold back, you know it’s a one time thing, to be honest I didn’t even know this guys last name, but my god..it’s true, to get over someone, get under someone.

I was meeting far too many people, I was sleeping with far too many people. I knew the pain would come back if I stopped. I didn’t look at social media for a while, I’d tag my friends in funny memes about ex’s and what not, so they’d think I was fine. I wasn’t. I’m not proud of the next thing I did, I had a message from my ex’s uncle, asking if we was still together, and then he called me beautiful, and the next thing I know we’re sending nudes to each other, arranging to fuck in the back of his work van. Yeah. Not proud of that. I was happy. Until I get a notification from my friend. “Tay they’re in Rome.” Followed by a screenshot. That happiness I was feeling was gone. I went to my bed and cried. How could my best friend take my ex to Rome? How could she take his side? Why didn’t she message me? I was back to square one. Tayla you’re better than this, I kept telling myself, I’m better than this. The next few days was a blur, I went on more dates, I only kissed them though. I was starting to feel discusting when i looked in the mirror. I looked at myself and just thought, slut.

“Look” I get a screenshot come through, I’ve been cropped outta some pictures. I mean I know we weren’t friends anymore, but fuck, that’s cold and petty. My stepdad suggests blanking their faces out and replacing them with famous people. I just say blanked them out, because they’re dead to me. I do it. Oh now I’ve started world war 3. I get so many messages, tayla you’re petty, tayla you’re a “keyboard warrior!” Bitch call me that again and I’ll show you how much of a “keyboard warrior” I am, I’ll use my keyboard to knock you out. I get a message of a number I didn’t know, I passed it my stepdad and he calls them. Well let’s just say I’m glad I’m not them, they’re gonna need to watch themselves. That’s all I’m saying on that subject

now I’m happy again. I’ve got a few regular people in my life, I no longer have suicidal thoughts, I actually get up and socialise. I’m getting there. This whole thing where my ex and friend are together, that knocked me back a bit. But I’m happy. A guy brought me flowers tonight, ant never brought me flowers.

im happy.

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